Snowmen found melting in July

Scientists have now found the largest northern snowman loss since record keeping began.  7.28 million have been lost since July.   They are now melting at a rate four times faster than the global temperature and 2 out of 10 known populations have been decreasing.

The main threat to the snowman is the loss of its habitat due to changing climate caused by man.Habitat disapearing

“I’ve seen them melt with my own eyes!” local warming expert Buckwheat “Spanky” Johnson told GWA during his recess.  “we cannot say that if we stay below two degrees of warming everything will be fine”

His organization, headed up by a team of Washington lobbyists,  monitors a 24-hour emergency snowman line.  According to Buckwheat’s mommy, he got the idea after paging through the pictures of his latest Aquaman comic book.

Mass extinction and nightmare scenario.

If snowman habitats continue disappearing at this same rate each spring and summer, our great-grandchildren will end up rolling balls of steamy mud instead of frosty.

Mass extinction


Greenhouse gases driving aliens to drink

In a landmark new study, researchers are  finding that, despite spending most their time floating around space and the outer atmosphere, aliens are now beginning to feel the effects of the havoc man is wreaking on the planet.

CO2 causing issues
CO2 causing issues

This has never been an issue until about 2500 years ago when man started burning down the forests for firewood.  A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was no global warming.  Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader gently changed the minds of the deniers and saved the empire with carbon credits.

Changing denier's minds
Changing denier’s minds

If only Luke’s father was here… he would be pissed

The heavy concentration of CO2 is now causing hypertension in some,  others like to get drunk and pretend they’re  on American Idol.   There is also some, who when wasted, are demanding humans comply with mass extinction in order to save the planet.  They say the only thing saving the planet is their love of Justin Bieber.   According to spokesalien Hillary, “You humans are lucky we are Beliebers”

For now, they are just hanging around the Jedi council demanding red meat and beer.  According to the 10 year government funded study, aliens are stressed to a level not seen before, the only thing that brings relief is rewatching Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth and laughing at it.  They are working on a terminator type robot to help fight warming, but Arnold Schwarzenegger is not currently cooperating with their efforts.

Carbon dated boot shows global warming

From the 80's?
From the 80’s?

More proof man is barreling toward Armageddon like a bat out of a meatloaf concert, a boot is showing us the error of our ways.

By carbon dating a boot that was more than average size at the time, it tells us temperatures before global warming were approximately 80 degrees cooler on average. The boot was dug up by “archeologists” in Minneapolis and date it back to the 1980’s.

It was just dug up in July, and according the boot’s readings, it was approximately 60 degrees cooler when it was buried around January 1980. At this rate, we may all be in trouble real soon.

Mother Nature is squeaking out another scream for politicians to save us. The only way to even slow down the damage we have caused is to allow our leaders to do what they do best, give more money to climate scientists.  The more funding they get the less chance warming will happen.

Warming causing reproductive issues in men

Men getting hairier
Men getting hairier

Donald Dbag of Maziplan has informed us of another potentially devastating effect that could end all human reproduction.  According to Donald, before global warming, when he was in his teens, he never had any hair on his back. After decades of man polluting the earth, at 66, he has a whole wall to wall shag carpet.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. At this rate, I’ll never get a girlfriend! (scary thought) I can barely fit a shirt over my back anymore. This all happened after the Kyoto treaty failure. This doesn’t even include my feet, which are beginning to smell like pure poo.”

Rising temps and sea levels likely to cause human anomalies

According to new research by the Union for Concerning Conferences, there is growing evidence future generations of humans will experience certain larger appendages, which will likely weigh them down and make it more difficult to properly execute certain springboard freestyle synchronized dives.

club foot dive
club foot dive

“Half somersault arm stand pikes will be a thing of the past” according to Lester Schmuck-pepper, who says he graduated from Harvard’s school of climate scientologists. He is one of the chief online investigators researching the phenomena. “If Boston doesn’t stop spewing dangerous chemicals there will be a real danger that certain men will begin displaying foot eurasinia which could increase foot size on one leg so much that it could throw humans off balance.”

According to Dr. Schmuck-pepper, most people will not be able to comprehend his work, especially more dimwitted people who don’t believe in the higher power of global warming. “I would tell you more but my break is over and a large bus of hungry looking seniors just pulled in, I’ll probably have to make more fries.”

Ocean acidification causing dolphins to urinate less frequently

GWA has learned there is another growing threat caused by human induced Anthropological Global Warming. According to a growing number of scientific organizations, dolphins will soon be more irritable and less playful. Acidification caused exclusively by large American energy companies look to be 100% responsible.

Dolphins have historically urinated at the average rate of once every 5.2 hours. Warming is causing their extremely sensitive skin to itch when urinating. At the current rate of warming, it could cause them to potentially pee less often.

According to Dr. Bob Bigliar from the Biological Society of Acidification Causing Dolphin Issues, we have just begun understanding the issue. “Our society was started 10 years ago to study Dolphin urination with federal grant of only 59 million. That first year we were only able to afford to watch dolphin movies and draw initial conclusions.”

They were able to use the information gained initially to convince open minded, left leaning politicians of the dire urgency to study the issue more. They were only able add a few million a year by spending most of it lobbying for more money. After 8 years they were finally able to scrounge out 284 million, which was just enough to continue the study by not paying any of the interns.

We caught up with Dr. Bigliar in Jamaica and was told about his island hopping with his family. Tommy, his 12 year old son, said dad works hard but is now able to take a few hours off for lunch. Dr. Smith can now watch his son parasail behind one his cigarette boats which he finally convinced his butler to drive.

He had to buy a mansion on one of the highest places in Jamaica so he can research dolphins by watching them through his telescope and occasionally having an intern give him a full body massage.