Secret government program using new technology to combat warming

Secret government programs have been all the rage at the  White House lately.

Their programs seem to work for everything except stopping Climate Change.  They have tried cutting CO2, politely asking China to stop and destroyed whole industries who didn’t donate to them.

I would think all the new regulations would have stopped Warming dead in it’s tracks!  You’ve heard what’s happening to the earth, heatwaves unleashed from hell, etc. etc.

Forced hand

Green groups have finally decided to order the government to do something about it.  Now with the reluctant help of our military, we may finally see the end of warming.

The president has finally been forced to turn to use his favorite toys to fix the issue.  The military and drones.

Secrets set in motion

He was easily able to trick his Vice President on a dare to break into Hillary Clinton’s personal email in her basement in order to find the most “qualified” personnel for the job.

Months of almost glory!

“We have had many close run ins with it but haven’t had a clear shot. It looked like it was being hid in a climate denier’s petting zoo late last year and we thought we had it after our third Tomahawk missile, but we only found hay and baby formula in the rubble” exclaimed Commander Kangaroo.

Last month we were able to take out a denier’s aspirin factory and half an orphanage in the hunt!

“We have had great successes, but this is an expensive operation, we may need to ask for more from PETA to continue funding our missiles.”

Top complications with Occupy Antartica

Occupy WallstreetDidn’t we all think the occupy movement would die quickly?  It didn’t.

It grew to occupy New York, North Korea, drunk tanks, the White House, and every Democrat organization ever created, now, even after running out of pizza and asked nicely, they won’t leave.

Party time!

We know they were welcome with open arms to North Korea and the White House but other places needed to be pacified.

You would think it would be easy when you know your absolutely right about everything.  As it turns out the 99% really like hanging out in the one percenter’s pads.

I would think by now Occupy should be happy with all the success but the founders have found out about a place that requires occupation more than Michael Moore’s mansion.

Antarctica is known by some to be desolate and unforgiving, but not the Occupy movement.  After watching Inconvenient Truth 14 times, they knew that by now the Arctic would be pretty warm.

They went to REI and stocked up on pup tents and fruit snacks.  They bought kickass cameras, candy bars, flip flops and extra underwear.  If there is any group ready rescue the Polar Bears, it’s Occupy.

You would think it would be easier than occupying Hawaii being there are no cops to ask you to leave after all night binges on someone else’s property with a half barrel and sponge bob reruns.

Antarctica – a little tougher occupation

You would think they would notice the cold as they got closer to the South Pole, but not Occupy.

Half were looking for the poor polar bears and the other half Santa.

If it weren’t for the extra nickel bags, the first few days would have been ugly.  After a few days of -30 degrees and 60 mph gusts of wind, they started noticing something wrong.

How could it not be sunny and 90 as predicted by the Oracle Al Gore himself?

Could it be that his predictions could be off even a slight bit?  Not a chance!  You know it’s just bad weather.

After three glorious days of kicking a few penguins and more than a few cases of frozen limbs, it was decided.  What the hell?  Let’s go home!

It was a great victory!

Study finds not enough left for a snowball in the Arctic circle!

dog hit with snowball2Climate scientists brave the Arctic circle each year, sometimes threatened by polar bears and staying alive only by pushing each other in front of the hungry beasts.


Other times, it got so cold they could barely get their mascara to stick for their camera shots.  How could they even survive, right?


I am still shocked to find out what happened during the latest expedition of “scientist” and democratic strategist Lester Wacker Schmuck.

A long hard history of snowballs

Lester had always loved snowball fights as a kid, the frozen balls were especially enticing.  How could you not love winter?

He grew up watching global warming ninja Al Gore, hauling in millions with his political Spanish inquisition.  

Lester wasn’t making much as a paid volunteer for the local “burn the denier’s books” club so decided to become a disciple of warming and rake in some real moolah.

You should know the only real way to make it big is join progressives shaking down local businesses with global warming “truths” and Lester was a master.  So good in fact, he was able to put 12 stores out of business and buy a spot on a luxury cruise to explore the arctic circle.

A rising star

We now know he spent years honing his credentials as a nerdy Earth Resilience Strategist.  Then he realized making igloos and twerking on Twitter wasn’t going change the minds of skeptics, who regularly eat small children.

I believe this is where he came up with his strategy to follow most other climate scientists and make slight “adjustments”.  I was surprised to learn his strategy worked so well within the ranks of such respected and noble organizations he became involved with.

  • Liberals for Worshipping Climate Change 
  • Warmists collecting Political money

One of the greatest “adjustments”  in climate change ever created

You know when you come upon a great idea?  It’s better than watching reruns of Oprah.  When Lester had his, it was while watching Sponge Bob.  He would go back one more time to the arctic and create the greatest igloo ever created!

Imagine his surprise when he arrived and found Global Warming had beat him there.  The January before had been glorious and cold but after warming hit town in July, he found only death and destruction.

Man made global warming had finally done it’s job.  It looked like barren plains from the depths of hell feeling like 72º and sunny.

The IPCC, Greenpeace and the Whitehouse are desperately sending loads of funding to find out just how bad it is.  Do you think they’ll find the cause?




If warming continues, snowballs will soon have a better chance in hell

It has been a saying long heard by nerds.  Usually when asking girls out for prom, or when at a bar and ask “hey girl, you want to come my mom’s basement and play in my Tardis?”  There have been others who have uttered the phrase in church and ended up cleaning dishes for three weeks (not me).  It has become so immersed in our society that I’ve heard 5 year olds utter it when asked to brush their teeth.kermit 2

Now, in a news scoop just released from the Society of Eternal Inmates, Globalwarmingalarm has learned a of new threat freshly manufactured.   For years, the Society’s chief, “Pelican” Bob, has been studying the effects of climate change in exchange for work release.  Now, instead of death row, he is getting back out teaching warming effects to schoolkids and over the last few years has come to a startling discovery.

Pelican started by questioning experts at local churches for the temperature of hell.  After many long sessions attempting to get them to give up the info, he instead turned to Greenpeace.  For some reason they fell all over themselves trying to help.  “I don’t have the same funding as other warmist worshippers, so really appreciate Greenpeace funneling money to me”.   He since proven that the debate is over on what happens to snowballs in hell.

The melting point of a snowball is approximately 32 degrees so hell only needs to have a slightly higher temp for destruction.  As the earth’s temperature is continuously adjusted upward, we are now at a point where denier’s can’t deny, we won’t listen anyway.

The only way to precisely compare the melting rate between hell and the current hell on earth is to use something compareable and very scientific.  Climate scientists used a Lucifer High Temperature Industrial blast furnace to represent current earth conditions and a commercial Grainger Scientemp -80 industrial freezer to represent hell.

“I really thought the snowball would last longer on earth!” exclaimed the lead “scientist”, but after running the experiment both times they are still coming to the same conclusion, that this earth shattering news may just change the world!  This may just be the global warming caliphate needed to force the last  few deniers on earth to participate in saving the polar bears.

Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

CO2 attracting asteroids to earth

The earth has been around for millenniums.  It has survived wars, nuclear devastation, cavemen, dinosaurs, climateComets - original deniers and even moronic comments on Facebook.  Some believed the end of the world was going to happen when the stock market crashed, world war II or when the Mayan calendar ended.  They were wrong!

There is a new threat to our loveable little planet and big oil is finally getting what they always wanted.  After working hard to spew tons of Co2 into the atmosphere, greenhouse gases may be attracting killer meteors.  The last time CO2 was this high, earth got smacked by a dinosaur killing spaceball.

According a joint study by al-Qaeda and the Whitehouse, all Americans need to start paying carbon taxes or soon we’ll be trying to get to outer space just to cool down.   If the human race can either get them to shut down or just move out of the U.S, it could slow down the attraction of the planet killers.

The lead researcher on the project warned, “right now greenhouse gases are attracting asteroids like hookers to bad cologne“.  If it’s not stopped soon were all going to be dodging exploding fireballs from space.  If the children can’t run, leave them behind.

There is another group of climate scientist believers funded by several top democrats who are studying ways to nudge the moon in the direction of each asteroid.  A lead researcher on the project commented, “one theory is, if we move it fast enough, it would be like a giant game of pong and we don’t really care what happens to the moon”.

According to the White House, this can wait for the president to take action until after he accepts the ISIS Peace prize on his next trip to the Middle East.

You might have global warming if…

  •  Your socks don’t seem to fit right today.smoking hedge funny face 2
  • Your favorite movie is Frozen but you don’t believe it.
  • You like the feel of icicles collecting in your nose.
  • When you go fishing, you get a large fish, then a small fish, then a large fish, then a small fish….
  • You have a co-exist sign, CO2 detector and a picture of Al Gore over your 10 x 12 fireplace.
  • Your idea of a good time is twittering pictures of shrinking icebergs.
  • You wear a thong under your snowpants to the beach.
  • You have earwax.
  • Polarbears are dancing on your lawn.
  • Himalayan snows melt, then snows again, melts, then snows again, melts, then snows again…
  • The sun goes down, then the sun comes up.
  • Robots from the future keep attacking your family.
  • You want to go skiing but that would let the skeptics win.
  • You tell your co-workers you haven’t washed your clothes in 6 months to “save the earth”.

Climate change causing ducks to lose their heads


Startling new evidence of climate change has just been released.  The debate is over.  97% of scientists agree climate change is causing ducks to lose their heads.

The photographic proof is traumatic for the very young and old to witness but it needs to be shared for future generations who will never know their joyous quacks.

Ever since records began in 1974, ducks heads were %99.744 attached but as climate change came more into effect, the rate has been steadily getting worse.  The new study shows a startling downturn much faster than predicted.  After only four decades it is now down to %99.743.

The problem scientists are now seeing is not having enough funding to research which other animals are also at risk.  “We have heard of Woolly Mammoth heads lying around which is really scaring the warming out of us” exclaimed one anonymous scientist.